This is such a sweet picture to me. This is Canaan smiling at a song his birth mom, Nika, played for him before she said goodbye.
This is going to be a very vulnerable post for me to write. I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head and I hope I can write them down effectively.
My idea of birth moms did not start off very well. Without sharing details, the girls' birth mom was filled with hatred against us no matter how hard we tried to be kind and keep her updated on her girls' lives. When we found out about our infertility and decided to go the adoption route, birth mom's scared us silly. Open adoptions were fairly new to our way of thinking and as we sat through the meetings and continued to hear this term, we were adamant we would only do the bare minimum in sending letters and pictures. This was a decision and position filled with FEAR. It wasn't about what was good for the child and it certainly wasn't thinking about what was best for the birth mom. It was about US and our grief over our infertility and not wanting to share OUR child with someone else. As I write that it looks so silly! Without a birth mom's choice to GIVE us her child we would be childless! Anyways...
When we got the call that Malakai had been born we had only an hour to decide whether we wanted this baby boy to be ours. It was crazy! Kai's birth mom only wanted updates through letters and pictures sent to the ministry we used and she would pick them up periodically. It was "perfect". When we brought Malakai home and fell in love with him I wanted SO badly to show this beautiful boy off to the woman that chose life for him and my letters gave little details about the little boy he was becoming. For whatever reason, when Kai was about one, she decided to stop picking up the packages, wouldn't leave an address and changed all her numbers so that the ministry contact could no longer get ahold of her. For a while, I was a little happy. I was glad there wasn't going to be any competition but after a short time the craziest thing began to happen. I was SAD that this woman was missing out on our sons life. I was SAD that Kai would not have access to her to write her a letter or see what she looked like.
Isaiah and Judah's birth mom was dying when she walked 2 days through the bush to bring them to the orphanage. Her husband had died when she was pregnant with Judah and she had a difficult decision to make. My heart broke for her! Yet another woman choosing life for her children because she LOVED them. No selfishness involved but MUCH heartache and tears, to be sure. God was softening my heart(and weeding out the selfishness) to appreciate the sacrifice and love these women had in choosing to place their children.
The woman who seriously changed my idea about birth moms was Justus' birth mom, Shanna. We were not looking to adopt again so soon after Liberia but she asked to meet us, so we went. She was funny and open and personable. After that first meeting she knew she wanted us to be Justus' parents but WE had to decide if this decision was right for us( there was a lot of legal stuff involved and it was a hard adoption and we weren't sure it was the right timing). She wanted phone calls and letters and pictures and that was a lot more than what we had done before, I wasn't sure I wanted to talk on the phone or have Justus talking on the phone.
I got a phone call one day from Shanna and she said simply, "Listen to this." As I listened, my sons heart beat through the phone and I started crying. Amazing. Then she handed the phone to the doctor so she could tell me how things were going with the baby and Shanna, just as if I were in the room. Through her hard decision she was thinking about ME. I felt normal somewhat. I had heard my babies heartbeat before birth, just like any other mom. Normal. Shanna made that happen.
Miraculously, we were able to attend the birth and be IN the room when Justus was born. It was THE most amazing thing I have EVER experienced watching my child come into this world and take his first breath. It was something I never thought I would get to experience and it was so, so precious. Then, after Shanna had held Justus and cuddled him and nursed him(all things we had agreed on) she turned to me, looked me in my eyes and said, "Would you like to hold your son?" The following day I saw the grief, heartache and pain that came with a birth mom saying goodbye. I was crushed. I was broken. I was torn. Such sadness to contend with from one woman and yet such happiness and joy I felt at a son being born!
As the weeks drew on Shanna and I talked on the phone often. She loved how content Justus always was when she called. We talked about Justus and our lives and we became friends. Those phone calls eventually ended as she moved on with her life but we still keep in touch periodically. Today Shanna and I are Facebook friends, she is married and there is such comfort in knowing that if Justus wants to know more about her, all I have to do is send her a FB message. It comforts me that I can give that to Justus. He knows what Shanna looks like. He knows that he is a exact male replica(it's crazy!) of his biological sister. He knows he has 3 1/2 brothers who looks like 3 of his brothers. He KNOWS.
You see, Malakai and Isaiah are at that age where they are wondering more. There is very little I can tell them. No picture to show. They hurt over it and, because of that, I hurt. I have found Malakai's birth mom on FB but hesitate to contact her. She has her reasons why she cut contact. I tell Kai it was because it was too hard for her. I tell him that she knew he was safe and taken care of and that was good enough for her but... I really don't know.
And now we come to Nika, Canaan's birth mom. This young woman has had a hard life. When she fell pregnant with Canaan she truly had no other choice than to place him. She had no job, no where to live, nothing. The foster care system had left her without anything and at 22 she was still struggling to make something out of nothing. I honestly, to this day, don't understand why she chose us as her family. She says it was because she thought having lots of brothers and sisters would be fun. She says she wanted white parents because those were always the nicest foster parents she had. It still boggles my mind a little. I think it's because God knew that this young woman would be sanctifying to ME. I have come to love this woman for who she is, despite the fact that her life is FAR different than mine has ever been. I have chosen to make her a part of my life and she calls me when she is desperate. I have done everything I can to be there for her. I care about her deeply.
Nika changed EVERY single conception I had about birth moms. Her choice was one of the hardest of all. She was not supported. Her friends and community ostracized her and was angry at her decision. They said some VERY mean and hurtful things to her and still do after TWO years. They really don't understand. And yet, she still chose life. She still chose the best for Canaan. In the beginning I saw Nika often. It was hard for me, I won't lie. The adoption wasn't final and there is always a sense of vulnerability when that is the case. She has made some really bad decisions in the last 2 years and it is hard for me to watch. However, we have built up a relationship where I can tell her TRUTH and she won't run away.
Most of all I know that the periodic times we get together are building GOOD things in Canaan. There will be no questions that will go unanswered because I was finally willing to step out of my comfortable box and be a little uncomfortable for a while. I thought it would be forever, honestly, but it's not! Nika and I are meeting this coming Tuesday and I am EXCITED for it for the first time ever. There is no worry or stress involved. I want to see her, talk to her and give her a hug. After all, that is the LEAST I can do for her after the priceless gift she gave to me, right? I've come a long way in the last 8 1/2 years. If you are an adoptive mom, learn from my mistakes, you're child/ren will be better for it.
